I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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