sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
