Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
