we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
