Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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