So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Bring me that man meat
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
