I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
