My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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