Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Did you just see the Batmobile???
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
