Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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