just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
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after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
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Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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