Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
