So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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