My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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