Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
