Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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