Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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