i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
