god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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