I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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