i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
