It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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