This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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