I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
