I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I need water and some morals
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
