turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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