so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize