This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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