I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
