he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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