do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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