My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
