I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
