then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
