i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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