guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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