one might say we're banned from that church
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
