You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
