i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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