dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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