we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
