omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
