Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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