New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
