There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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