hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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