Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
