If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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