Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
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vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
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WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops