I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I showed him my bush... on skype.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Found your dick twin last night
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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