apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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