she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
