i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
