Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Pants are for mortals
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
