im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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