I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
