OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
