Duck Duck Cougar?
My cat gives me a boner
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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