You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
