Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
