Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
